| Beware, Rant below... |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|11:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
I’m just getting tired of all of this. The lies, the rumors, the betrayal...I’m tired of being stabbed in the back by friends who find happiness in relationships that I TOLD them to get into. Relationships they wouldn’t be in if it wasn’t for my freaking pushing them in the first place. I’m tired of being the guy everyone turns to for relationship advice but can’t get into a relationship himself. I’m a damn dateless I just wish I had someone to call MY special someone. Someone who would just be there to tell me everything will be ok and be there for me that ISN’T just a friend...I want something more. I’m damn glad my friends are finding happiness in relationships....I just wonder when I’ll find it. I feel like I taught someone else how to love, someone else what the meaning of love was, but by doing so I completely forgot how to love, what love really meant, I forgot the meaning of the word myself. I feel like I passed on my knowledge of what love is and completely forgot. Now SHE is in a relationship and she is in love again, but I can’t find that sensation again, I can’t remember the meaning, and everyone I’ve been with is in a relationship. I won’t say they are all in love, but the person I taught what love was is now in a relationship and is in love...and I can’t remember what the hell it means
I mean...I gave my first girlfriend EVERYTHING of me...heart, soul, mind and body...and she ran with it until she got tired. And then she took what I taught her, what I reminded her...what love REALLY was...and left me broken and alone. I suppose I’ve been that way ever since, even in my next relationship I was. I tried my hardest to be a good boyfriend, but I epic failed. I was too clingy, too needy, too wanting, and I was everything I shouldn’t have been. The relationship wasn’t the same as my first...and I know everyone will tell me "it’s never the same" but this is just the kicker...not being in a relationship really gives you time to think on "love"
Love HAS to be the same eventually...but are we ever the same after we’ve felt it? Is it really possible I found and lost my ability to love in my first year of high school? Is it possible that no one will make me feel that way again, because I will never be the same person I was with her? Look at it folks...love doesn’t change. Love is the only thing that truly passes the test of time...it is we who change. Human becomings, animals, insects, birds...everything BUT the emotions of love and hate change. and by changing, we feel we’ve changed "love" but we haven’t...we have changed ourselves to find a new meaning of love...or find no meaning in it at all. Now the only thing I’m afraid of, not death or heights or bugs or deep water, the only thing I’m truly afraid of...is that I have changed into something that gives no meaning to the timeless emotion of love. I felt it once before, so I know it does exist...but the thing now is if I will ever feel it again. If there is anyone out there, in existence, that will make me feel the way she did, that will make me feel BETTER than she did...and if so, what is the chance I’ll meet her? If there IS someone, how far away are they? If there is someone, am I a 100,000,000 miles away from them and will never meet them to know what love really is? I know everyone says "It’s having faith in that person that makes love worthwhile," but ya know what...faith is a hard thing to have, when all evidence points to no. It is hard to have faith in a client who asks to trust them with no backing, no alibi, just past events to go off... Of course, there is always the appeal of "but look at all your friends who have found something good." but this is just it...they found something good because they had someone like me pushing them into it, pushing them to not give up, pushing them and telling them that they were great guys or amazing and beautiful girls and that the people who were shooting them down were mindless. I don’t have that, and I’m not a great guy, not in that sense anyway. I’m not a guy who is great enough to be with someone...I’m the guy who is great enough to put everyone else with someone else, and leaves himself out. I’m the guy who has paired everyone else at the Prom up, and is sitting out against the dances on the wall with a glass full of punch and smiling, but dying a little on the inside because he knows he is going home alone to prepare to listen to the stories from all his pals about how great their night was with the girl he paired them up with and if he is lucky, he might...MIGHT...get a thank you.
Honestly, I think it is because of this...I am a great guy...as a friend. I am a great guy who is there for you when shit hits the fan, and is there when you need someone to bitch to, to cry to, to laugh with, to laugh at...I’m there...but it’s because of all of that that plain and simple...I’m NOT a great enough guy. I’m NOT boyfriend material. Everything people could want from me they get without a relationship...because I’m NOT a great enough guy to be in a relationship...I’m not boyfriend material, I’m not good enough to be given a chance to prove what a boyfriend I can be, I’m just plain and simple the "best friend, never the boyfriend." I’m the male equivalent of "a bridesmaid never a bride." |
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| Give my regards to the year... |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|10:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
As I begin to type this, there is roughly two hours left until the final minute of the year two thousand and seven…and I am assessing my life to this point.
I suppose you could say I’m having a fit of nostalgia, but so be it.
I have made a great amount of friends, some merely ‘friends’ and some great friends who I see myself having until the final minutes of my life. Some people I have met have been the closest things to siblings I have ever had…and those people will have my honor and trust for their natural existence.
I have had a mere two relationships in my seventeen years of life…but both of which taught me something. I still long for the feeling I had in those relationships, one in particular over the other. I suppose one can not tell what the future will hold, and I daren’t attempt to guess.
I’m sitting at this computer desk, looking over the months of two thousand and seven that have flown past me. My second relationship, passing my proficiency tests, breaking up with my girlfriend, my first convention, two powerful role playing series that I am still running, and countless arguments and make-ups with friends…but I still find myself wanting more.
I sit here, and I think of the couples that will be kissing at the start of this new year, or that will be thinking of one another at the least…and I wonder “Is anyone thinking of me at the start of two thousand and eight? Is there a soul out there wishing I was with them at the beginning of this new chapter? What will this new chapter hold for me? Will characters from previous chapters make a reprisal, or will it be a new cast, a new story…a new ending?” and I find myself thinking of her…and she knows who she is…but there is nothing I can do about this. Many new chapters start in the next two hours…hers and mine are two of them…and if those chapters coincide then so be it…but one can not tell what the pages in the next chapter in the book of life can hold…for we are writing them. The ink is merely the blood, sweat, and tears of the author, the pages each day of his life, and the title of each chapter can’t be determined until the end of the chapter as it is. I will continue to write in this book, uncertain how the outcome, and uncertain of the need for my chapters…but perhaps to someone, every syllable of every word written in my chapters in the book of life are important. |
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| What does it all mean???? |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|02:57 pm] |
Picture, if you may, a world where desire is a reason to fight. In this world one man promises the hearts desire in return for complete loyalty. One group, bound by fate alone, is destined to stop his scheme for world domination and control. Only through friendship, team-work, and the help of ancient spiritual beasts will they stand a chance against their toughest opponent yet.
Coming this fall, a team of teenagers will face their greatest challenge yet. When facing the son of darkness himself they will be given two choices...
FIGHT OR DIE. Coming this Fall to a Computer near You
9/18/07 |
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| Anybody know a good publisher? |
[Aug. 12th, 2007|12:55 pm] |
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I'm looking, so...any of my friends on here know someone or a publishing company that would be willing to publish a 17 year old poet? |
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| Not The Way You Think I Am |
[May. 2nd, 2007|04:02 pm] |
Fall Out Boys "Pretty In Punk"
Walking off that stage tonight -
I know what you're thinking, yeah
He stands alone because he's high on himself
But if you only knew...
I was terrified and would you mind if I sat
Next to you and watched you smile?
So many kids but I only see you
And I don't think you notice me, well,
I've seen your boyfriend and I don't think he treats you right...
But that's none of my business is it?
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
The only girl who ever gave me the time was the
One who only wanted five minutes of mine.
Knocking boots in the back, how degrading
Is that? I decline.
I'm so terrified and would you mind if I sat
Next to you and watched you smile?
So many kids but I only see you
And I don't think you notice me, well,
I've seen your boyfriend and I don't think he treats you right...
But that's none of my business is it?
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, no... (NO, NO, NO, NO)
I'm not the way you think I am, no... (NO, NO, NO, NO)
*Key change*
I'm not the way you think I am, no...
I'm not the way you think I am, girl, girl. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|09:37 pm] |
I died on Moon Colony SaftI was killed in a dusty maze of passages beneath the colony by Kat Nano the Dalek, whilst carrying... a Peppimintian deathblade, Nausicaa83's commbadge, a Yuugimoutouian artefact, an MYTHOLOGY-60 phaser, a Tazeredtigerian raygun, a Huggyreiian raygun, a Batgirl673ian raygun, a disneymovieslithium crystal, a Potassiumian deathblade, a PHOTOG-3100 supercomputer, a STREAM-2000 supercomputer, an ZOMBIEZABEL-120 phaser, Alasio's commbadge, the Log of the USS Taigne, an ROMANCE-140 phaser, a Yallreadyforthi model hazmat suit, a COSTUM forcefield generator, an VIDSIDASTA-60 phaser, a Raven-Goth model hazmat suit, a Crackalicious screwdriver, a kesenaixtsumilithium crystal, Masako Kun's commbadge, a BUCUE forcefield generator, a COMPUTER-GAMES-30 plasma rifle, a PHOTOS-10 plasma rifle and 585 galacticredits. Score: 697 Explore Moon Colony Saft and try to beat this score, or enter your username to generate and explore your own space adventure... |
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| My thoughts on an actual GOOD Monday |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|10:31 pm] |
The Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year by Fallout Boy
Are we growing up, or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
Cause I swear I would burn the city down to show you the lights
We're the therapists, pumping through your speakers
Delivering just want you need
We're well read and poised, we're the best boys.
We're the chemists, who found the formula
To make your heart, swell and burst
No matter what they say
Don't believe a word.
Because I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it
I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie
Are we growing up, or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
Cause I swear I would burn the city down to show you the lights
We traveled, like gypsies only
With worst luck, and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love, but then we grew old
We're the lifers, here till the bitter end
Condemned, from the start
Ashamed of the way the songs and the words own
The beating of our hearts
And I'll keep singing this lie, I'll keep singing this lie
Are we growing up, or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
Cause I swear I would burn the city down to show you the lights
And there's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And there's another around to help us bend your trust
I have got the sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel ok...
The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie"
I hope you sing along and you'll steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up
The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie"
I hope you sing along and you'll steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up
Are we growing up?
Or just going down?
Are we growing up, or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
Cause I swear I would burn the city down to show you the lights |
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| Feedback perhaps? Good...bad...indifferent? |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|08:23 pm] |
To Make You Feel My Love
by: Derek Jordan Sytsma
If it was to make you feel ok
I would do anything, even freeze the day
If I knew it would make you feel alright
I would let you lay with me tonight
If I knew it would take your pain away
I would tell you I'd love you, it's what I would say
I would speak the truth and not a lie
If it was to remove every tear from your eye
I would hold you close and not let go
If you would be ok and I would know
I would kiss your lips and say your name
If it removed any feelings of shame
I would tell you were an angel, sent from above
I would do anything...to make you feel my love |
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| Coming To Terms With Ones Insanity |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|08:38 pm] |
So...I decided to run my own RPG. Seems great and fine and wonderful, right? WRONG MY FRIENDS!
First, I had TOO many people wanting to join, then...they all dropped and I was left with 5...6 if I allow the one who was out of state to join. Then, for 4 hours of what could have been 1 of character creation and 3 of RPing...turned into 5 ((we went OVER time)) of C.C.
I don't know why I drive myself to insanity, but I do. Over all, the meeting was succesful in creating characters and making my players understand that I was a GM and was not going to take any screwing around. I think our next meeting ((which is next week by popular demand, then we will start doing an every other week system)) will go much better. I will explain the strength and lifting system, the damage system, vehicles and weapons and the wonderful world of DRAMA POINTS to them all with in a limited amount of time so we can ((theoretically)) start with the RPing.
I love my players dearly, but they drive me insane. Does anyone have a wall I can just SLAM my head into repeatedly?
Well, as I am starting an RP you all can expect wonderful, fabulous Episode Guides after every episode is done. Taking into consideration rolling, plot thickening events and the like...I would venture towards every 2 to 3 meetings being an completed episode. So...there goes my life. I hope you all will enjoy the episode guides ((and you will or I will cry)) |
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| Love, Something Like That... |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|09:01 pm] |
Love: (n) An emotion that makes one do stupid shit, regardless of his own self-esteem or self-respect.
The Act Of Being In Love: Not giving a crap about the fact your doing stupid shit and looking like a total and complete fuck-tard.
So, I have come to the conclusion obviously that I am In Love, or something else...but it feels like love. I would like to state that being Single on V-day sucks over all, but hell, it is supposed to. Eh, live and let die I suppose.
In other news, I'm worried for a good friend of mine, he has been having some health problems as of late and today was no different. Just keep him in your thoughts ok? I know he is in my mine and I'm worried for him.
Still, in other news, I am getting irritated with my own mind. I am getting alot of songs and poem written, but some don't even relate to me.
Alright, well, there is my rant. Closing lyrics time.
My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon by Fall Out Boy
I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out - the joke's on you
we are salt - you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat
Woah [x2]
Ooo
Woah [x2]
Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
cause I know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me
Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2]
And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you
and gut you on this stage
not as eloquent as I may have imagined
but it will get the job done (you're done)
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage
Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2] |
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| Hum.........MOO! |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|05:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen | ] |
It's amazing how you think you are going to look stupid and horrible and ugly when you get something new like glasses, but then someone you care about tells you they don't care much about the glasses, they care about the person behind them...and then you feel great. It's weird.
On that note, I obviously got glasses now. Curse Far-sightedness and stigmatisms...
Well, on other notes, I'm doing pretty good in my new honors classes. They are actually pretty easy. I am working on some new poems and songs. The band is doing pretty good. We have a temporary drummer.
Love life is confusing as always, don't want to go in detail, but it is the good kind of confusing right now.
In closing...
Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen
This thing called love I just can't handle it
this thing called love I must get round to it
I ain't ready
Crazy little thing called love
This (This Thing) called love
(Called Love)
It cries (Like a baby)
In a cradle all night
It swings (Woo Woo)
It jives (Woo Woo)
It shakes all over like a jelly fish,
I kinda like it
Crazy little thing called love
There goes my baby
She knows how to Rock n' roll
She drives me crazy
She gives me hot and cold fever
Then she leaves me in a cool cool sweat
I gotta be cool relax, get hip
Get on my track's
Take a back seat, hitch-hike
And take a long ride on my motor bike
Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called love
I gotta be cool relax, get hip
Get on my track's
Take a back seat, hitch-hike
And take a long ride on my motor bike
Until I'm ready (Ready Freddie)
Crazy little thing called love
This thing called love I just can't handle it
this thing called love I must get round to it
I ain't ready
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love |
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| Held For A Moment, Loved For A Lifetime |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|08:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eight Days A Week by Beatles | ] |
I thank God for you
An angel just for me
I thank him everyday girl, for what we've grown to be
I don't know how to say it, but know that this is true
Baby girl, oh baby...I really cherish you
I cherish you
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I kiss your lips and tell you
Everything will be just fine?
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I know now my baby, that you'll always be mine?
The candle wicks grown thinner
And dinner grows cold
But how you look me into my eyes
It never gets old
When I hear those words
As clear as the sky is blue
I remember deep down baby
I cherish you
Yes I....cherish you
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I kiss your lips and tell you
Everything will be just fine?
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I know now my baby, that you'll always be mine?
Love isn't tested by time and space
It's tested by the smile you bring to my face
When I hear you laugh and when I see you smile
It brings a warmth to my heart I haven't felt for awhile...
Please baby doll, remember all of my words are true
And remember most of all...I cherish you.
Yes I....I cherish you....
Oh yes I do...
I cherish you...
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I kiss your lips and tell you
Everything will be just fine?
Could I hold you for a moment
And love you for a lifetime?
Could I know now my baby, that you'll always be mine? |
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| Like A Ghost, Haunting Me |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
When I stand, cold chills run down my spine
I’m wondering how I can I say that I’m fine.
It’s like your presence is making its rounds
Taunting me with loving sounds
Sounds of laughter
Sounds of joy
Though you treated my heart like a toy.
You put it on a mirror, and broke it to shards
You spread it all out …like a deck of tarot cards.
I want to break free, yes, I want freedom too
But everywhere I look, all I seem to see is you.
I want to get out, run away...it seems you don't see
That you’re like a ghost, you’re haunting me. |
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| *Sigh* |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|06:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Let It All Out by Relient K | ] |
I'm just not in the greatest of moods. I don't know...just something or someone in the past being brought back up...
Relient K said it best.
"And you said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, then things will just be worse. If the burden seems to much to bear...remember...the end will justify, the pain it toke to get us there." |
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| My Rant For The Evening |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
People seem to speak big when they don't know someone...but the minute they need help and you're the helpful type...they turn to you...even if they talked shit about you. I wish I could just up and stop helping people who talk shit about me, but it isn't in my nature. You see...people who talk shit about me and ask for help can just go to hell...but I won't see them their, because I don't talk shit about and I actually do help people. I don't think I am better than anyone else for one reason...I'M NOT! If anything, I hold myself in a lower regard to most because of the fact that, well...people need a selfesteem boost sometime and I guess I give it to them. I am tired of people assuming shit about me...in the words of a wise and great man "They can just jump off a cliff into traffic."
So, yes...in closing. "Merry F***ing Christmas" |
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| People = Shit |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|10:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irate | ] |
The world is full of simians posing as humans, but I should have noticed this a long time ago. Damned idiots who can't comprehend that...oh, I don't know, I don't think I'm better than anyone else. As a matter of fact I think quite the opposite.
Also, people who seriously think that they can take me because I'm skinny...weight has nothing to do with the over all fundamentals of a fight.
In closing....the world really just needs to be erased of these people....I am working on the device to do it now. Fear not, if you are reading this...you are probably safe from its idiot killing death beam. When they are all exterminated...It shall make waffles. |
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| My afterthought for the day |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|09:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | and Injured! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ex'-Miss by New Found Glory | ] |
Yeah...I have horrible luck. I saw ATLEAST 6 couples in Walgreens...and it was 8:30 at night! I mean, seriously...what kinda crap is that? Aswell, I slipped and landed on my ass in the store, luckly it was the back of the store so no one saw me...I hope. I hate being single...I hate falling on my butt...I hate hating things. My closing thoughts on the day, in the wonderful words of MxPx.
Everything Sucks (When You're Gone) by MxPx
All I ever needed was to eat popcorn with you,
Come on over,
Watch the late show,
Stay up talking until two
Today's the day you're leaving,
And tomorrow you'll be gone
You're in my heart and on my mind,
I will bring you along
Everything sucks when you're gone,
Everything sucks when you're gone
A dream of our reunion makes me crazy just to think,
How so very far away you are,
My hope begins to sink
Today's the day you're leaving,
And tomorrow you'll be gone
You're in my heart and on my mind,
I will bring you along
Everything sucks when you're gone,
Everything sucks when you're gone
It's not ok,
I've baked dinner here for two,
And it's not ok,
I've got candles lit for you,
And It's not ok,
I've got you're favorite records out,
And it's not ok,
You should have let it be,
And ran after me
Today's the day you're leaving,
And tomorrow you'll be gone
You're in my heart and on my mind,
I will bring you along
Everything sucks when you're gone,
(I want you! I need you!)
Everything sucks when you're gone
(I want you! I need you!) [x2] |
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| My thoughts for the day |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|09:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Forget December by Something Corporate | ] |
It snowed in certain areas of Nevada...but only in the valley for about 2 minutes. That sucks.
I'm single at Christmas time and seem to have the luck of seeing couple EVERYWHERE I freaking turn. Once again...that sucks.
Dean Martin has put it best...
Christmas Blues by Dean Martin
The jingle bells are jingling
The streets are white with snow
The happy crowds are mingling
But there's no one that I know
I'm sure that you'll forgive me
If I don't enthuse
I guess I've got the Christmas blues
I've done my window shopping
There's not a store I've missed
But what's the use of stopping
When there's no one on your list
You'll know the way I'm feeling
When you love and you lose
I guess I've got the Christmas blues
When somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Christmas is a joy of joy
But friends when you're lonely
You'll find that it's only
A thing for little girls and little boys
May all your days be merry
Your seasons full of cheer
But 'til it's January
I'll just go and disappear
Oh Santa may have brought you some stars for your shoes
But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packaged tinsel covered Christmas blues
Oh Santa may have brought you some stars for your shoes
But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packaged tinsel covered Christmas blues |
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| Last Day of School and a Party. |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|08:12 pm] |
|
Well, today was completly great. It was the last day of school and boy was it fun. Some bad stuff in the morning, but I got over it. Last thing of the day, I stood outside of Portable 2 and waited for my mom to bring a cake, paper plates, plastic cups and forks and two 3 liter bottles of sodie pop. It was for a surprise party for my friend and former teacher Mr. Kindred. His brithday is the 20th, but kinda hard to plan a party when I won't see him. 3 people from RPG Club came and helped carry it all in and set it up without being caught. Well that didn't go to well, but the party itself did. I broke a bunch of school rules and disobeyed direct orders from Mr. Kindred, but I did it because he completly deserved it. It kinda doubled as a holiday party for the RPG Club,but I did completly as a B-day party for Chris. I help him out, but it is because he deserves it. He was there for me when I needed a friend, so I am there for him when he needs help. |
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